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Defiant Milosevic Eats Big, Sloppy Sandwich During Trial |
Glimpse Of Gene Shalit On TV Reminds Woman It's Time For Bikini Wax |
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Burger King Trainee Tipped By Grandparents |
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News In Brief
Indian-American Child Having Difficulty Finding Bicycle License Plate With His Name On It
HAYWARD, CA- Dinesh Parekh, 9, continues to struggle to find a bicycle license
plate with his name on it, the Indian-American child reported Monday. "This is the
third store I've checked today," said a dejected Parekh, exiting a Toys "R"
Us near his Hayward home. "Derrick, Diane, Dillon and Dylan, Dirk... no
Dinesh." Parekh, who has pedaled his brand-new Schwinn to more than a dozen stores
during his three-week search, said he plans to ask his mother to drive him to the KB Toys
in San Leandro next weekend.
Shadow Government Attracts Shadow Protesters
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION- Decrying various unspecified aspects of the U.S. Shadow
Government, an indeterminate number of Shadow Protesters gathered outside the
organization's mountain retreat, sealed germ-free vault, or underground bunker Monday.
"We unfortunately cannot comment on our feelings about the Shadow Government at this
time," said an unnamed protester, neither confirming nor denying reports that he or
she accused the Shadow Government of violating the U.S. Constitution. After 20 minutes of
protest, the group was dispersed by members of the Shadow Secret Service, who used
"means at their disposal."
SLA Murder Trial Nostalgic Trip Back To More Innocent Time
INDEPENDENCE, MO- The murder trial of three Symbionese Liberation Army members is
providing Americans with a nostalgic escape to a carefree, more innocent time. "Oh,
man, Patty Hearst and the SLA. That takes me back to high school," said Ralph
Henderson, 43, an Independence-area dentist. "Pet rocks, Jerry Ford jokes, small
bands of kooky, disorganized terrorists shooting up local banks... Those were the
days."
Waitress Only Friendly When Bringing The Check
MURFREESBORO, TN- According to customers at Po' Boys Family Restaurant, waitress
Melanie Bostic is only friendly when bringing the check. "About 10 minutes after I
sat down, she walks over and says, 'Know whatcha want?' No 'hi' or anything,"
customer Bruce Banda said. "Then, when I'm done eating, all of a sudden I get a big
smile and my name is 'Honey.'" Fellow customer Sandi Herzog agreed. "The
placemats boast of Po' Boys' 'Famous Friendly Service,'" Herzog said. "That
probably should say, 'Famous Curt, Inconsiderate Service Until We Want You To Pay And
Leave.'"
Atonal Composers Gather For Atony Awards
HOLLYWOOD, CA- The recording industry's top atonal composers gathered in Los
Angeles Monday for the gala seventh annual Atony Awards. "Tonight is hostile music's
biggest night," said Krzysztof Penderecki, nominee in the Most Dissonant Piece
category. "I can't tell you what a thrill it is to be here, surrounded by so many
legends of arrhythmic cacophony." The highlight of the evening is expected to be the
awarding of the Olivier Messiaen Lifetime Achievement Award to Karlheinz Stockhausen for
"more than five decades of aggressively impenetrable anti-music."
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Top Story
Gores Enjoying Best Sex Of Their Lives
NEW YORK-More than a year removed from public office, former vice president Al Gore
and his wife Tipper are enjoying the best sex of their lives, the happy couple reported
Monday.
Full Text »
In The News
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Editorial
Allow Me To Introduce You To The Other Members Of Alpha Bravo Team
Smoove B
Girl, She Means Nothing To Me
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